Tom Cruise: Dumber Than He Looks

suggested I post this. It’s part of a conversation we’ve been having called “And I Hate Tom Cruise.” Which, these days, can really be appended to about anything. As in: “Yes, with extra cheese. And I hate Tom Cruise.”

My theory on Tom Cruise goes like this: He didn’t go crazy and he didn’t start out crazy. I think he, like some other recent stars (Britney Spears comes to mind) is the victim of being much less intelligent than the people around him. What’s disturbing about the whole thing — the Crazy Tom for President of Scientology bit — is that I believe that Tom Cruise isn’t that intelligent. He’s not smart enough not to believe in what he’s saying. Much of his spoken press reveals him to be a man of average or even less-than-average intelligence. He’s probably very charismatic, and he’s conventionally physically attractive (except for being 5’3″), and he seems to be able to memorize things well, so he’s made a very, very good career out of lucky breaks and an innate ability to follow orders. So I feel like somewhere along the way someone had to take him by the hand into Scientology, and they probably pitched it like the explanation for every time he wasn’t picked for the school spelling bee, and now he excels in it. He’s the smartest kid in the world, finally, and he gets his chance to tell everyone else something they didn’t already know.

So it’s all very sad, because it feels like someone is preying on the slow kid, here, and then using him to get their Agenda of The Crazy onto the Today show.

…And I Hate Tom Cruise.

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26 Responses to Tom Cruise: Dumber Than He Looks

  1. therealjae says:

    Hey, hey, you really don’t need to suggest that short people are unattractive and that people with learning disabilities are not all that bright in order to make the point that Tom Cruise is an asshole. Especially when there are so many other examples to point to.


  2. next_bold_move says:

    Here’s a list of celebrity Scientologists for your viewing pleasure.

    The thing that gets me about Cruise is that he doesn’t seem to have any comprehension of how Very Crazy he’s coming off, even after replacing his PR people.

    Seriously: I could do a better job than the people he’s paying these days.

  3. geothermal says:

    Yep, Tom was on Dave Letterman last night and Tom was so boring. Repeating what Dave said a lot. Someone told him not to say anything provocative and he is following orders. (W Bush does this too from time to time.) I wish Tom stayed in comedy movies only. He made me laugh when he jumped on Oprah’s couch or slid around in a button shirt and underwear. Or dancing with black men in the shower or doing kareoke in a military bar with my favorite actor from ER. (^:

    I think your astute observation of Tom being the slightly dumb kid who is being brain washed by smarter Scientology kids who know their psychology is bullseye.


  4. kepkanation says:

    I really think there’s a Draft The Famous marketing plan at work in that place that’s been both good and bad for them. It’s not that The Famous are drawn to them because, with all of their special Famous powers they know more than the average person; I think there’s got to be some component of Scientology that makes The Famous feel good, even deserving, of being The Famous. And also, who can resist being recruited?

    I would totally hire you over anyone working for Tom Cruise right now.

  5. kepkanation says:

    Hmm, yes, Top Gun may have been his film highlight for me, too!

    He seems very much like a puppet these days, you’re right. Missed the Letterman appearance, but… doesn’t sound like I missed much!

  6. next_bold_move says:

    Here’s where I start:
    1. Stop acting like you know everythinig. Seriously. Right now. Stop it.

    2. A wife is a partner, not property. Stop holding her elbow like it is a fucking handle.

    3. When you try to look earnest and forthright, it comes off as the excessive eye contact of the truly mad. Relax. Have a Xanax.

  7. next_bold_move says:

    I liked his desperate, sad, sweaty turn as Jerry Maguire, myself.

  8. next_bold_move says:

    This makes me think, by the way, “Though I do not believe in God, I hate Tom Cruise…”

  9. kepkanation says:

    Yeah, there was bad wording there as that wasn’t what I meant to suggest on either count, so I’ve corrected it. I meant more that he’s built like a conventional Movie Star, save for his height, than to generalize that all short people are unattractive. As for the learning disability, that was poor organization of facts on my part. His admission of having a learning disability, and how it affected his behavior and self-esteem as a kid, is one of the reasons that I think he was/is susceptible to something like Scientology. I should’ve been more clear about that and separated it totally from the line about his intelligence level; I do understand that there’s a difference, one not necessarily having any effect upon the other, and so I took it out! Thanks for noting it.

    But I don’t really think he’s an intentional asshole. I think he’s poorly advised and has been, essentially, taken advantage of. Which is not to say I’m going to throw a wah-wah Tom Cruise party any time soon, but I don’t think he’s a traditional Egotistical Jerk of the old Hollywood mold or anything.

  10. kepkanation says:

    Heh, yeah, I had that thought, too. Eventually you end up with, “Though I do not believe in Tom Cruise, I will have the tofurky sandwich.”

  11. next_bold_move says:

    That may be the most perfect permutation.

  12. kepkanation says:

    And his crazy crazy craziness in “Magnolia” turned my head.

  13. next_bold_move says:

    I have to attribute that to the director, but I think that was a brilliant role for him. He was so good I forget it was him.

    And that is really saying something.

  14. kepkanation says:

    I think this is excellent advice. Perhaps you could submit it to him in T-shirt form?

    There’s something about the whole Katie thing that makes me believe he thinks she’s a life-preserver. If he holds on tight enough, he’ll be saved!

  15. phillyexpat says:

    I think this lack of intelligence has been heightened as of late because he got rid of his very competent publicists and managements and replaced them with his bumbling relatives. Tom may always have been this high strung, but his management team reined him in.

  16. kepkanation says:

    I wonder, though, whether it was his idea to get rid of the management, or whether someone suggested to him that it was time he use his celebrity to go on Crazy Tour. Maybe I’m thinking that all of the recent madness is more purposeful than it actually was.

  17. phillyexpat says:

    I think it might have been the Church of Scientology who 1)made the suggestion to change management and 2)has been making suggestions on his current press schedule.

    I think his management has since reverted back, however. He was surprisingly not crazy on GMA this morning. He actually talked about the movie. I was kid of shocked.

  18. next_bold_move says:

    J. J. Abrams probably told him that they would never find the body if he screwed up the press for this movie like he did for War of the Worlds.

  19. therealjae says:

    Oh, good, I feel reassured. 🙂

    As to your actual point, I don’t pay all that much attention to these things, but from what I’ve seen, I think you’re exactly right. And interestingly, I’ve heard people say the same sort of thing about Rob Lowe. Which, if true, makes his performance as Sam Seaborn all the more impressive!


  20. therealjae says:

    Amen to #2. I happen to have had the television on … last night? this morning? when he was on some talk show talking about his marriage. The host asked him about how they each get all their domestic things done, and he said something like: “Well, Katie is a woman…so she does the womanly things.” And I screamed (literally!) and changed the channel.


  21. next_bold_move says:

    I read somewhere that he has announced that she’s “Kate” now. Everything about them makes me want to scream.

    I’m sure Nicole Kidman is thanking her lucky stars that she’s single.

  22. kepkanation says:

    OVER-COMPENSATION. That’s all I can think when I hear him making comments like that. He should perhaps just stand up and say, “And remember, everyone, I’m Very Very Manly! And Masculine!”

  23. kepkanation says:

    One of the reasons, oh so long ago, that I turned on Sam was in relation to something I heard about Rob Lowe as a person being rather assholish. That was one of the weird times in which it was very hard for me to separate actor and character. I hope he is just poorly advised (and I hope he gets better advice, such as from whomever suggested him for “Thank You For Smoking,” soon).

  24. kepkanation says:

    I think Jonathan hit the nail on the head here above: Tom’s On Message this week. He’s got his earpiece in and tuned to the right station, and he’s going to talk about his work and only his work, until there’s a wave of feedback and he gets distracted by the lights.

    I have this vision, suddenly, of Jennifer Garner kicking the shit out of Tom Cruise. I’m not saying it’s a bad vision.

  25. therealjae says:

    I decided a long time ago that the solution to the actor-character dilemma is to not believe in actors. Which is to say that on some level, I think of beloved characters as real and actors as fake. It works for me–as long as I don’t have to watch people who look like beloved characters making complete asses of themselves on talk shows. 😉


  26. phillyexpat says:


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