Maybe it’s because it’s channel 128 in my town; maybe it’s because they know the people most likely to be watching Chris Matthews at 9 p.m. on a week-night are people in a desirable (i.e., monied) demographic. Whatever the reason is, the commercials on MSNBC usually average one as-seen-on-TV ad per break. And I am a sucker for all of them. Which means one thing: if I ever should have any money, I will need to go back to watching all of my news on CNN, where the ads are skewed toward things like cars and the muscle shirts that Anderson Cooper wears.
But back to MSNBC. If I had money, I think I would have already bought a Shamwow. That thing is like a magnet for liquids! Do you know how useful that would have been two days ago, when I spilled the day-old McDonald’s coffee all over my car? Answer: Very useful. How many uses could I, someone who lives in the U.S. equivalent of the monsoon state, find for something that “holds 21 times its weight in liquid”? I’ll give you a hint: I’ll start with my shoes.
The other thing that’s tempting me at this moment is the Titan Peeler. I just saw this advertised, and it’s the reason I realized I have a problem, because I said “But wait!” at the same time the announcer did without ever having seen the ad before. Anyway, the Titan Peeler: it peels in both directions! Why hasn’t anyone thought of that before? What, American inventors, are you spending your time on, exactly? It also comes with a julienne slicer and a slicing board, so that it can be turned into a mandolin. Oh yes: It slices. It dices. It makes julienne fries. And for the price of one you get two. These are the magic words of sale for me.
If only they took something other than money — like hair, or existential despair — as payment.