Jefferson, W. make list of Top Ten Sexiest Presidents

And in semi-related news, I feel kind of like throwing up.

Nerve ranked the presidents in order from sexiest to, uh, least sexiest, and the list is full of disturbing images. I’m not sure what kind of cracked weirdo puts George H. W. Bush in its top fifteen (but dismisses Andrew Jackson into the 20s), but apparently it’s the same kind of cracked weirdo that gets a job at Nerve.

The Top Ten:

10. Abraham Lincoln: The tallest president at six-foot-four, Lincoln was a successful lawyer, a great conversationalist, and had “O Captain, My Captain” written about him. There’s a reason people still hotly debate this guy’s sexual orientation and not, say, Grover Cleveland’s.

He also lived in a time before regular indoor bathing was a trend, so yes, his decision to keep the beard groomed probably did make him the crushable metrosexual of his time.

9. Ronald Reagan: He was the oldest president, which is a big disadvantage, but it’s impossible to forget that this guy was also a movie star. There’s also hard evidence that Nancy was a freak in her younger days.

Anticipate joke about saying “impossible to forget” in a description of Ronald Reagan in 3… 2…

8. FDR: Rich, good-looking, charismatic, and sensitive to the needs of others. Not to mention, you have to hand it to a man who was elected four times. We love a winner.

I have nothing to say about this.

7. George W. Bush: It’s hard to separate politics from the image with the younger Bush, but lets be honest, if he had remained owner of the Texas Rangers, he would have been one of the sexiest businessmen in America. He’s fun, spontaneous, obsessed with his body, and knows how to party. Bush is great one-night-stand material for all the same reasons that he was a terrible president.

What must now be asked: is vinegar and baking soda considered an eco-friendly way to scrub out your brain?

6. Bill Clinton: We may joke about his choice in women, but remember, those are only the ones we know about. Even if he’s not the best-looking, he oozes sex appeal. When Bill Clinton enters the room, the party starts.

Further evidence that John Edwards would have rocked this list, if he’d been elected president by a nation even dumber than the one in which we currently live.

5. Franklin Pierce: There’s not much to say about this obscure president, except that he’s gorgeous. He’s like Johnny Depp, but without as much to show for himself.

No, seriously? Franklin Pierce?

4. Thomas Jefferson: Thomas Jefferson was tall, gentlemanly, and he wrote the Declaration of Independence. But he was also a firebrand, heading to France and stoking the fires of revolution there (and in our pants).

I HATE YOU, NERVE. Stop spreading the TJ is smooth rumors. Dude went to France and ignored the signs of the revolution because he was busy with one of a few mistresses, who so demanded his time that he put his daughter in a convent. I mean, yeah, that’s sexy, as is being a complete douchebag.

3. Barack Obama: Smart, funny, and have you seen him with his shirt off? Barack Obama is a damn sexy man, with a damn sexy wife, and two adorable daughters. He’s also a certifiable genius. Don’t think he knows how to let loose? During the campaign, he’d often take control of event music, playing Michael Jackson off his iPod.

Well, I am a sucker for some MJ.

2. JFK: For a long time, the Kennedys topped the unspoken list of Celebrities America Would Like to Bang. But only Jack had Marilyn. In terms of simple sex appeal, JFK can really only be compared to himself.

Again, I’m not sure I have anything to say about this.

1. Teddy Roosevelt: At first glance, Roosevelt may be a strange choice for number one, but the guy had everything. He wasn’t the best-looking president, but he was damn handsome. He was in ridiculously good shape and a rugged outdoorsman. He cared passionately about the environment, bravely lead the way into battle, and fought against corruption in every office he held. Theodore Roosevelt was so sexy that if he slept with your girlfriend, you’d be flattered. He’s part Chuck Norris (meme Chuck Norris, not actual Chuck Norris), part Evel Knievel, part John Wayne, and part Daniel Craig. He was the most popular man in America for a reason, and our sexiest president ever.

You know, I’ll actually buy that. And really, can we do something about making Daniel Craig president? Don’t bother me with the citizenship details: I can think of several American presidents who were born British citizens.

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