I’m pleased to say that, as of about 4:00 Pacific Time today, major combat operations between myself and my new patio furniture came to a victorious conclusion. We knew this would be a difficult campaign going in, of course, but I’m not sure either side planned for the number of casualties that were sustained on the path to victory. Despite my forces’ larger size and sentience, we were unprepared for some of the enemy’s inanimate trickery, and to this day, we wear the bruises on our jaws. Though it may have appeared to some that we lost the battle for the hearts and minds of the umbrella stand when we shrieked like a tiny little girl as the first slug came oozing out, we remained confident and steadfast in the face of such slimy insurgents. We adjusted our methods. We retrained. We decided, frankly, that we don’t need an umbrella stand anyway, and instead redoubled our efforts to save the barbecue grill from being overrun by moss and black ants. In this, we struck a successful, and I believe culturally sensitive, balance.
In the end, we reached a compromise with the insect and plant members of the new governing council of the patio, and I’m pleased to say that complete control now rests in their capable hands. Under their guidance, I feel certain that the patio will turn into a shining example of freedom and democracy that the entire back yard may admire for years and years to come.